The Perfect Parent

Now doesn't this look like the child of a Perfect Parent?!


There is nothing more aggravating to me than having some know it all, self-proclaimed “greatest parent who ever walked the Earth”, slyly hint that my parenting methods suck. These are the folks that just love to offer advice on how I can better improve myself and be more like them. These are also the folks that I usually envision punching in the throat while they are standing in front of me running their mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I totally understand how important a job parenthood is. You are shaping the life of a future doctor, lawyer, teacher, president or, if things go horribly wrong, social deviant. It’s imperative that we get this thing right. But parenthood is also about survival. Sometimes all I can do is get through the day, dragging my limp body over the last hurdle until I wind up face down in the middle of my living room floor. Now maybe that means I cut corners and don’t follow the Dr Spock version of how to be the best parent on the planet. But hey, I’m still here, my kids are still kicking, and no state official has knocked on my door, so I will chalk that up as a win and keep on doing me. And while I have days where my “Good Mommy” Scout badge may need to be ripped from my vest, I’m going to keep chugging away at this thing until the cows come home or until my youngest kid turns 18 and runs screaming from this place, whichever occurs first. In the meantime, I’m going to give you the Top Ten reasons why being the Perfect Parent is just not for me…


1. THEY OFFER THEIR UNWANTED OPINION. Perfect Parents LOVE to tell you how you can improve the lives of everyone around if you just do things the way they do them. The Perfect Parent will give you their holier-than-thou speech on every thing from using earth friendly cloth diapers to making baby food from scratch. Now there is nothing wrong with doing these things but with Perfect Parents, this conversation usually occurs about ten minutes after you’ve changed your baby’s disposable diaper and wiped the Gerber carrots from her chin.

2. THEY LIE. I have yet to meet a mom or dad who hasn’t done something to totally screw up their kids’ outlook on life. Despite our best intentions, it happens. But the Perfect Parent will never admit to it. Oh no! It’s as if they spend their days and nights carefully plotting out every lesson their child needs to learn. They are well versed on how to handle situations that would stump most parents and they always have a back up plan in place when the unexpected occurs. Well, at least that’s what they like to imply. Something tells me that this type of grandstanding is nothing more than a fabrication of what really goes on behind their closed-door.

3. THEY AREN’T LIVING IN REALITY. I tried to read a book once that discussed how to parent without ever yelling at or punishing your child. I honestly thought the book would be more funny than anything but by the time I got to the third chapter, I was actually angry. The book states that children will correct themselves and that we as parents don’t have to engage in any behavior modification. The author then gave a scenario about a child calling his parent a derogatory name and the parent just saying nothing and letting the child feel bad on his own. Um, violation! All I can say is if my child calls me a derogatory name, they are going to have a whole lot more to worry about than figuring out how to feel bad about it! Ridiculous!

4. THEIR KID’S BEHAVIOR USUALLY SUCKS. I am constantly amazed at how the Perfect Parent can sit there with a Stepford-like mini grin on their face while their little spawns inflict the world around them with their special brand of terror. These kids are hitting and kicking other children, screaming at their parents, using profanity, and topping the list of every church prayer list within a fifty mile radius. And all their parent can do is sing-song useless phrases such as “Little Johnny, I want you to stop honey, let’s use our inside voice, let’s be nice…” blah, blah, blah. Little Johnny needs to be jacked up something terrible, and so does his Perfect Parent.

5. THEY SHOW UP EVERYWHERE YOU GO. Why can’t I run into a rich benefactor when I am out and about? That never happens! But running into my local Perfect Parent seems to be inevitable. I am seriously considering brushing up on some military covert tactics on how to duck and dodge these pests.

6. YOU CAN’T GET RID OF THEM. How come the people who annoy you the most usually stick around the longest? When the Perfect Parent that I know shows up, I immediately think of an exit strategy. But it never works and I wind up practically setting myself on fire just so I can get away.

7. THEY ARE SOCIALLY INEPT. The Perfect Parent either has no idea that it is frowned upon the constantly diss another person’s parenting style, or they just don’t care. Either way, this type of behavior is a social snafu that the Perfect Parent is either unable or unwilling to avoid making.

8. THE LITTLE THINGS ABOUT THEM ARE FREAKING ANNOYING. I remember being obsessed with watching the Duggar’s reality show that featured the husband, wife, and their 17, 18, 19 or however many children they now have. I found it amazing that someone could have so many children and still be able to call them by name without getting confused (I can’t do that and we only have 5 children). But on one episode the mother took her children grocery shopping and that is where they lost me as a fan. First of all, why on earth would you take that many children to the grocery store? Second of all, this woman never, EVER, yelled at her children. I mean, really??? The grocery store is a haven for crying, begging, yelling children. I can’t make it out of there without losing my temper at least once. Watching that show got on my freaking nerves, because I knew that I could never take my kids grocery shopping without snapping on one of them. Now if the Duggar mom was filmed telling one of her entourage to stop running their little butt through the store then maybe I’d believe that what I was seeing was real.

9. THEIR KID AND YOUR KID ALWAYS WIND UP TOGETHER IN SOME WAY. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to keep my children from coming into contact with the offspring of a Perfect Parent. And while all children are off their rockers in some way, the child of a Perfect Parent has been conditioned to think they can do no wrong. So when the usual issues come about, such as problems with sharing, the Perfect Parent will find some way to make their child the victim.

10. THEY’RE PERFECT! Even if the hype that the Perfect Parent believes about themselves were true, no one wants to be around someone who thinks they can do no wrong. How are us flawed individuals supposed to feel about our lives when we have to be in the presence of someone who just glows with their imagined ability to leap tall buildings in a single bound all while giving birth and eating their placenta (gross but apparently placenta tastes like chicken)? I’d rather kick it with the moms and pops that fall flat on their faces on a regular basis. Why? Because then, we can all cry about our mishaps together, the way real parents should.


Have you had a run in with a Perfect Parent? Leave a comment and tell us all about it!


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