Bath-Time Warriors


Jace Taking A Bath

I know I shouldn’t believe everything I see on TV but I just saw something absolutely AMAZING! A product that beckoned me, imploring me to spend my last dime just to try and achieve the wonderful joy that could be experienced if only I had this product. What was it you ask? Well, today it was baby soap. Yes, wonderful, no tears, liquid baby soap. Now, I know we have five children and I should know better than to fall for the hype, but there I was watching this smiling mother bathe her happy little bundle of joy. Suds and cute little bubbles are everywhere. The baby is either on valium or truly enjoys being submerged up to his neck in water with strange looking soapy air bubbles all over his head and neck. Maybe he still dreams about floating around ordering pizza and burgers through his umbilical cord and having a bath is the closest he can get to having that dream come true but I doubt it. Either way, it was a joyous experience that I was glad to be a part of because that has absolutely never happened to me! And THAT right there ladies and gentlemen is the reason why so many new parents are sobbing on their couch feeling like they just got an F on their parenting final exam.  So I feel it is my duty to clear up some things and paint an accurate picture of how you can and should best prepare for your baby’s bath time!


1. BE PREPARED! Never start the bath process without everything you need on hand. That includes more than just the baby soap and towels. You are going to need a few extra things that no one ever mentions. Try decking yourself out in a swim suit, or even your birthday suit. Yes I said birthday suit. Most babies that I have ever bathed either hate getting their bath or they absolutely love getting their bath. Either way, water will be splashed around and you will end up just as wet as or even wetter than your little bundle of joy.

2. KEEP ALL ELECTRONICS OUT OF THE WAY. Seriously, if you are doing this then you truly do deserve that F. So let go of the dream that playing Mozart will get your baby to relax. He won’t be able to hear the music over the sound of his own wailing.

3. USE YOUR PET PRODUCTS. Have a dog or a cat? Great! Keep your pooper scooper handy. Babies LOVE to poop in fresh clean bath water. Something about luke warm water must really relax the bowel muscles.

4. WEAR SHOES! Even if you’re naked. There’s no sense in slipping and cracking your head against the sink or bathtub. Remember, water will be everywhere.

5. BATHE YOUR OLDER KIDS FIRST. If you have other children that are age 5 years or younger, go ahead and give them their bath and put them to bed. If not, they will likely dive head first into whatever body of water you are using to bathe little joy bundle in. Why? Because they read the manual on sibling rivalry and it clearly states they must want whatever the baby has and act absolutely ridiculous until they get it.

6. GET HELP. If your baby hates water, he will become a slippery little nightmare once you add soap to his body. And there you will be, trying to hold on to a thrashing angry pint size tornado that has either seen The Exorcist and is doing a spot on impersonation of that movie or who has no problem using all four limbs to try and pummel the unfortunate person who dared use a body of water to clean the veggie vomit from his crevices.

7. GIVE THE BABY A BATH WITH YOU. Let’s face it, you are probably already naked, and you will definitely be getting wet. So why not do double duty and get in the tub with your baby. Now, you will likely be sitting there shivering in the tepid water and you must be prepared to move fast if said water turns a weird shade of yellow but at least you can have a better grip on junior and you can avoid any possible back muscle strain.

8. START SLOWLY. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Try sticking the baby’s feet in first and see if she likes that. Then move slowly up the body until you have submerged her and she is happy. Now, if her pinky toe hits the water and you receive an upper cut to the chin, then maybe today is not the day.

9. BE READY TO IMPROVISE. When in doubt, throw everything you know about baths out the window.  Make up something crazy and share it at your next parenting chit chat with a new parent to be. As a matter of fact, pick up a Dr Seuss book for ideas. He has great ones…in a box, with a fox, here or there…you get the point.

10. DON’T BOTHER! Why go through the stress of bathing your baby unless you have to? Take a baby wipe, actually about ten of them, wipe all of the fun stuff off, rub some sweet smelling baby lotion and powder in the hard to reach places, and pretend to all of those that ask that that huggable precious scent that your little one is emanating can only be achieved by an hour long bath session, blood, sweat, and tears. It’s what they want to believe anyway, so let them.

Fatal error: Uncaught Exception: 12: REST API is deprecated for versions v2.1 and higher (12) thrown in /home2/ktotey/public_html/wp-content/plugins/seo-facebook-comments/facebook/base_facebook.php on line 1044